I was kind of bummin yesterday because of Farrah Fawcett...not so much Michael Jackson but we could throw him in there too I guess...it's a little weird that Ed McMahon, Michael Jackson AND Farrah all died within a week...but anyway...I woke up this morning around 5:15 with the same headache I went to bed with so I've taken some Excedrin and am now sitting here in the living room with the blinds open...the sun still trying to come up and the quiet! Seriously, I find myself in such states of appreciation when everything is quiet and still...I think I need to start going to bed at 9 every night so I can wake up and have some time while the kids are still sleeping...it's a better way to start the day. Yesterday I must've been dreaming a solid 10 minutes while Asher yelled "Mommy, MOMMY!" repeatedly...when I couldn't get him to stop calling my name in the dream, I finally woke up and realized he was doing in real life...poor kid...he was probably wondering what was taking me so long to get him out of the crib. Even though that's a nice way to wake up too...it's nice to just get myself ready before the day to day chaos begins.
Anyway, back to the death thing. I HATE being made aware of people dying. I think I was stuck in a funk for 2 weeks when Natasha Richardson died. I'm sure Chris thought I was an absolute looney when I was crying in bed about some woman I didn't even know! In her case, I was distraught because it was just proof that one day a person can be here and the next, they're gone. Poof! It doesn't matter that I have two babies and a husband that I need to be here for...I could die tomorrow. The fact that she was a mother and it was so sudden was my "connection" to that story. With Farrah, I just recently watched my DVR'd Farrah's story and found myself again in that state of appreciation for life mixed with sadness for the fact that no one is exempt from actually leaving this world. So with Farrah, it wasn't as devastating as Natasha because she had cancer and it was known that she was going to die...still sad though because of watching her show so recently and still feeling that leftover emotion for everything she had gone through. I don't know why I don't really care about Michael Jackson...maybe because I hadn't just seen his life story...who knows.
On my way to sonic yesterday though, I was thinking how lame it is that I care so much when these "stars" die because it's not like I know them BUT the difference is that I would care regardless of who it was...that's why I don't like the news...I would be in a constant state of depression if everyday I had to hear about the kid who fell out the window and died, or the mother who had 10 children and was shot in a drive by shooting...or the kids who went to school and shot their classmates...I hate death...period. And the other thing that sucks is how okay other people are with it...Christian people for example. I am trying to be more involved in going to church and starting to read the bible but I don't think I'm ever going to be THAT person who is okay with dying. I am envious of my brother and his faith...he along with many other people that I know would be perfectly fine dying tomorrow because that means that they will be in a better place. I was reading a blog the other day of a woman who lost her child before birth and she just wrote about the experience with such ease...yes, she was sad about not ever getting to know her daughter but it was okay...her daughter was the lucky one because she was now with God. I don't think I could ever be on board with that kind of devotion...and I feel guilty about that. I want to live until I'm 80 and I want my children to live until they're 80...heaven may be better than earth but this is all I know for now and I am comfortable here...long story short...I don't want to die anytime soon and having all these people around me die (even if they are people I don't know) puts me in a bad spot...I like to live in denial when it comes to death...so I hate reminders of the fact that it actually happens to all of us...even Michael Jackson.
After all that...my point was just that I'm thankful for today...I'm thankful for the sun that is shining and the errands I'm about to run child free this morning because my friend is watching the kids...I'm thankful for the date night I'm going to have with my husband because the grandparents are taking the kids tonight...I'm just thankful...and I thought I'd put it out there...because I'm also crazy paranoid and don't want God to think I'm taking this life for granted even though I know I do every single day!
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