Me: Aren't they cute?
Chris: Yeah.
Me: They were only a dollar at Walmart!
Chris: Yeah, they look comfy.
I start to walk away but then turn back around...
Me: Wait, does that mean that they're ugly? The fact that they look comfy?
Chris: No...it just means they look comfy.
I thought I was scoring good deals when I was getting the $3 underwear from Target but this dollar pair from Walmart had really made my day. I then walked into the bathroom to put on my makeup when I heard Chris jump onto a conference call...something about Nasco's or something and a bunch of abbreviations...and I thought, this is what my life has come to...a pair of dollar underwear from Walmart. I don't even like Walmart...and then there's Chris, who, not only put his conference call on the backburner for 2 minutes while I yammered on about my dollar underwear but, who is still living this important, intellectual life...one that requires brushing your hair regularly...putting on nice clothes...wearing shoes and having conversations that are going to impact thousands of lives everyday when people are purchasing prescriptions...he actually gets to use his brain on a daily basis. I'm not even sure mine is fully functioning at this point. Not only that, but I have no fire left inside.
Ayris was going through a cabinet today and ended up knocking out a folder bursting at the seams with about 50 papers I had written for my Honors Mythic Patterns course in highschool...I was writing all kinds of deep thoughts about Hubris and Hamartia (what even are those now?? Hubris might be linked with ego I'm thinking? I can't remember...and Hamartia...if someone asked me what that was today, I'd say, "Hold on...let me google it"...if I didn't have google, I'm pretty sure I might just have a permanent blank stare on my face at any given time. I even had papers that had 20 extra credit points here and there because of all the thought/work I put into those papers...not only was I smart, but I had that "fire" I mentioned above...I found a note I had written to the teacher of my mythics class:
"I can think of a perfect example of this (on a paper I was writing about Antigone...yeah, I know, who/what is Antigone? I have no idea now...again, I'd have to google it)...YOUR CLASS. You have even admitted that you've been acting in extreme hubris concerning this class. Not only do you disregard the opinion of your students, you do things as you please, and will continue to, no matter how many people complain. Eventually you'll learn though. Perhaps it'll happen when your students are asked to evaluate the class and you as a teacher. Perhaps not. The sad thing about it, is that while you're so wrapped up in trying to keep this class, your students are suffering the effects. You should be concerned about what's going on RIGHT NOW, not what's going to happen 3 years from now."
I also found a note I wrote to the teacher telling him how "pissed" I was for letting students grade papers...these weren't multiple choice papers...these were essay type papers...I used to question things/people in life...my mom always said my mouth would get me into trouble...and it hasn't ye,t but I feel like I'll never have the opportunity to find out if it someday could be there's nothing to question and/or go after...
Anyway, I know what I'm doing is the most important thing that I'll do with my life...raising my children...making sure that they're happy and healthy but at times, its easy to miss being passionate about learning and expecting all sorts of greatness from others. I still seem to have my high expectations but now is the time I need to holster it/reel it in, because it's a constant struggle for me to not expect too much from my kids...Ayris seems older than she is so I have to remind myself that she's only 4. Only 4. How much should a person expect from a 4 year old?
On a somewhat similar note, I just started watching the first season of the show Parenthood (I know, like I don't have enough tv to watch without adding another series) and there's this part where the stay at home mom character goes away for a weekend to help out her friend on a campaign trail (which used to be what she did before having children and quitting her job)...once she got back she was telling her husband that she was offered a job...so he asked how she felt about it, to which she responded:
"I mean honey, I love our kids...I love you and I love being a mom and all of that but honestly, when I was there, I felt so alive and it was just amazing...it was like I was being seen for the first time in so long"...
So it's also kind of like that...being a stay at home mom does change you...you're no longer out in the world...you're kind of just in this bubble...this vomit, poop and temper tantrum filled bubble...and though there are plenty of other mothers in the vomit bubble...we're not meeting on a day to day basis giving high fives for a job well done...we're not getting to congregate around the coffee pot in the breakroom for grown up talk...
I was just thinking yesterday how fortunate I am to live the life that I do...and then this morning, I just laid in bed listening to all three kids wake up at the same time bombarding Chris with an array of their morning queries...and I thought to myself...as fortunate as I am...what I wouldn't give to have Mary Poppins come flying through my window right now...telling me to just take the day off...so I could skip making breakfast, lunch and dinner...I could skip bathtime and the kids fighting...for just one day...
Sometimes I question if I come across like I'm complaining about my life...it's definitely not that...as I mentioned above, I frequently thank my lucky stars...or God in this case for blessing me with all that he has...but I think down the line, it'll be nice to not only see how far I've come with parenting, in terms of how I'm feeling as a mom in the different stages of life with my children, but I also think this could be helpful down the line when my own kids have kids...to think that Ayris could one day be scrolling through 20+ years worth of her mother's thoughts/ideas on raising children...and maybe, once she has children of her own, she'll be reading some of my words and will relate and know that she's not crazy...or alone...and that we, as parents, all go through the same types of emotions...of getting it right...being the best that you can be for your children without screwing up too much along the way. Being a parent is tough...and staying home with my children is even tougher sometimes...it's far more difficult than any job I've ever had in the past, but for all of the things I may be missing out on in the workforce, all of the grown up talk and brain usage, pay increases, etc...hopefully, just hopefully I am making some sort of difference in my kids lives that they might otherwise not have had (in daycare) and if not...well, if not, I'll at least have so many memories and experiences with them that I wouldn't have had otherwise.
Below is a cool video I found online about what mothers wished they'd known before they had children...if I had one of my own to ad, I think it would be that, I wish I'd known how much more intense my emotional state would get after having kids...my fears would become greater, my will stronger, my heart heavier, and my love...abounding, and without restraint.
And of course, a few pictures...though kind of blurry, I loved how Adler was just leaning into Asher...
And this picture, I just saw them on the couch this morning and they were in the perfect little order of birth line...
Loved this! Love the pictures, they are all growing up so fast!! They are so cute!!
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