My stupid cat is making baby Hefner look good...

So here's my day from about noon up until now:

I'm laying on the couch and keep smelling cat pee. I have two cats...one of them is completely inept (Sophie) and sometimes pees behind one of our couches. I decided to get some potty pads to stick back there because I had run out of towels I was willing to throw away (I wasn't going to wash and keep towels that had been peed on). So I changed the potty pads but decided I'd go ahead and shampoo the carpets and couches anyway because they needed it.

On my way into the kitchen to get the shampooer, I see something brown on the dining room floor. Mind you, I had just vacuumed so I was pretty sure that it hadn't been there before. I was about to pick it up (thinking it was cardboard of some sort--paper towel roll, packaging from my amazon purchases, etc) when I decided to bend down for a closer look. It was cat poop...diarrhea to be exact. Gross. I go to pick it up and it smears into the carpet. Five feet into the kitchen and I know see cat puke on the kitchen rug. I'm getting more irritated by the minute. Why do we even have cats? At this point, I'm pretty convinced all of this has been expelled by Sophie because she's also our little anorexic. So I shake out the rug and bring it upstairs to wash and I get out my stain remover and get the poop mess up as much as I can because I don't want it getting all over my ten scrubbing nodules on the carpet cleaner...I can just envision smearing that crap into the rest of my carpet.

An hour later I'm FINALLY cleaning the couches/carpet. After I get finished doing the living room, I move on to the dining room...at which point, Asher decides to follow me. Out of the corner of my eye, I see his feet come flying up from under him. The shampooer left a streak of wetness on the tile in the entry way when bringing it into the dining room. He's now crying so hard that he stops breathing and goes into pass out mode (he has these from time to time):

http://www.webmd.com/parenting/tc/breath-holding-spells-topic-overview

I finally get him calmed down enough to put him down for his nap. At which point, I go downstairs and decide I'm going to steam the kitchen and entry way floors (I have to do it now or it'll be weeks before my next cleaning streak). AFTER I get the floors clean, I end up dumping a bunch of vinegar water all over the floor...

Whatever! At this point, I'm defeated and head upstairs to watch some t.v. while Asher finishes his nap but once I get to my side of the bed, I see that there is diarrhea ALL OVER MY SHEETS. WTF. I can handle it on the floor...I can't handle it on the bed.

After ripping the sheets off and cleaning the featherbed (and turning it around so the poop stain was on Chris' side), I was on a mission. It was either get rid of the cat or fix the problem. So I decided to smell their butts to find out which one it was.

Sabine was the culprit so I marched her right downstairs and gave her some pepto bismol. I know it's not safe for kids and I would NEVER give it to my children but my kids aren't spraying liquid poop on all my crap either so I decided it wouldn't hurt. I tried giving it to her in a bowl at first...she tried a lick and decided it wasn't for her. So I got a syringe and forced it down her throat...at which point, she regurgitated it a bit and then started foaming at the mouth. I wiped her mouth before she could go turn my carpets pink and went back upstairs.

Needless to say, it's been a gross few hours BUT with the help of Pepto, I'm finally getting my day under control.