Ayris is having a bad year...

"I wish I could open up my stomach so I could eat my food again"

~Obviously this makes sense...it would be far more difficult to just walk into the kitchen and get more of the same.

"I wish I were a dog...because then I wouldn't get timeouts or spankings"

~One might deduce from this statement that my child gets a lot of timeouts and spankings. This is not true. However, there might be more truth to this in the future as I'm going to start following through on my threats.

"I'M SICK OF YOU TELLING ME NO!"

~Well no kidding...I'm sick of you not listening (I didn't say that of course, but that's what I'm thinking)

"I swear to God..."

I then informed her that it was not nice to swear to God...although she's obviously heard me use that statement before...it generally goes something like "I swear to God Ayris, if you don't stop hitting your brother, you're going to get a timeout."

Usuallly there are no timeouts, just threats of timeouts. That's why I think the poor girl is confused. She wants to be a dog so she can get away from the THREAT of having a timeout. I guess threats in her mind are just as bad as following through. We're about to see which is worse. My cute little, intelligent girl is gone...she's morphed into the girl version of Junior from that movie Problem Child. She doesn't listen...throwing tantrums has become as big of a necessity as the air she breathes...she sabotages her brother every chance she gets and currently, she's sitting in a recliner howling like a monkey while throwing things across the living room.

4 hours later, Ayris has gotten two spankings, has told me that I'm bad and that she hates me. Presently, she is laying on the couch watching Sponge Bob...I just got done looking through pictures from the past...back when she was nice. Now as she's laying there, I'm envisioning her becoming a teenager. If her three year old behavior is any sign of what's to come...I'm thinking that I'll just let Chris deal with that stage...or maybe Chris' parents...since they have more experience...because I, afterall, was the perfect child. =)

Obviously I love my child to pieces. I want to point that out because it may not be apparent in this post. I will try and post something more positive when my daugther returns to normal. I feel it's important to make note of her ONE bad moment in life because just as I was/am, I'm sure Ayris is going to be so much of a delight from here on out, that 20 years from now, we'll need proof of the fact that she was ever slightly challenging.

A few more examples...

We're also starting to take our full fledged costumes out to the local stores. Ayris accompanied me to Target two days ago dressed in her kitty costume complete with a blue nose and whiskers (black just didn't seem like the right color!) and her pink boots...=)

The next day, Grandma Callie took Ayris out dressed as a ladybug...the outfit is a size 6-12 months...it still fit...but barely...
she had a little ladybug buttcrack that you could see in the back because of the tightness of the outfit =)

More often than not, my children are making their own fashion choices...

Here is Ayris...covered in MANY butterfly tattoos...

They are even on her legs...

This is Ayris' hat that Asher decided he just had to wear after he woke up from his nap...

Asher and his laughtop...this was a gift for Ayris but he seems more interested...
I guess it's more fun to play if you lose your pants...

It's important to keep your boots on though...

And to have some lunch leftover on your face...

But sometimes you just have to play naked...and in your sleep...

Ayris is pissed...

I always think of myself as a good mother when taking the kids to the park because it's not my favorite thing to do in the world. First off, I'm a migraine person and the sun is an evil contributor to those migraines so I prefer to stay inside unless the clouds are covering the sun. Second, I'm fairly out of shape...and by out of shape, I mean that it takes my breath away to climb the stairs in our house, let alone pull 80 pounds of children in the wagon (which probably adds at least another 20 pounds itself...so technically I'm pulling 100 pounds in addition to my 150+ pounds...that's 250 pounds of weight I have to lug to the park!)...(you should know that I just took a brief break from writing this to go get Asher a bottle--yes, he still drinks a bottle--but while in the kitchen, I managed to snag a few bites of cake that Ayris just had to have yesterday and washed it down with some A&W root beer; one must not wonder too hard why I am out of shape at this point...I should put a mini fridge holding nothing but the milk upstairs so when Asher needs a bottle, I'm not tempted by everything in the kitchen AND whenever I need milk, be it for my breakfast or for the cupcakes I'm making, etc, I'll actually have to climb the stairs to get it...while I'm being unrealistic, I might as well just put the whole refrigerator upstairs thus leaving me with the best diet plan ever...I'd be too lazy to go get food. But who am I kidding...that would only mean that the kids and I's new location everyday would be upstairs instead of downstairs. OK, so my third point...once I actually make it to the park out of breath and sweating, I now have to work hard to make sure my children have fun...pushing them in the swings isn't TOO difficult but then I have to go all over this huge contraption with slides and monkey bars and ropes and about 100 other ways Asher could kill himself if not properly attended by me at all times. So after fun has been had by all...or at least two little people, I then have to make the long trek back home.

The fun doesn't end there...now that everyone, including myself, smells like dog from being outside for the past hour, it's now bath time. Bath time generally means water covering my entire bathroom floor, Ayris bargaining for me to not wash her hair and then screaming when the least bit of water gets into her eyes or ears and then sometimes if I'm REALLY lucky, I have a child who will poop all over. Poop in the bathtub piles on even more time to this adventure because not only do I have to wait until our jacked up tub decides to drain (usually a good 10 minutes), I have to make sure Asher doesn't play with the poop (he usually poops before I've bathed the children so they still have to wait to be washed), all while getting the 78 toys that are floating around the poop out and cleaned (actually I'll be honest...I only cleaned the toys off the first two times the poop happened...I don't have time for that anymore so they just get put in their toy bucket), THEN I get to fish all the poop out of the tub, scrub the tub down and refill the thing so I can now bathe the kids who are now cranky from standing all wet and cold for the past 10 minutes. Then it's another 10 minutes just to get them dressed because I have little naked butts that would prefer to run around versus getting their clothes on.

SO...with all that being said, I think I'm pretty awesome when I go to the park full knowing what I'm in for; a potential migraine, feeling like I'm going to die and sweating like a pig while at it, the long trek home and the awesome bath ritual that follows...

We've gone to the park now three days in a row...but that's not what I'm writing about (I just wanted to emphasize my awesomeness--although I will admit that my lovely husband did take the kids on one of those trips).


After the first trip, I decided after we were done, that I needed to reward all of my hard motherly work with a chocolate chip shake from DQ. On the way there, Ayris very cooly chimes in from the backseat:

"I'm pissed off"

In the three seconds before I responded, I'm first going through my mind trying to remember when I might have used the word pissed in front of her but more importantly, I'm thinking how cute it is to have heard her say that...there's few things cuter than a little kid swearing when they have no idea what they're saying...

Mommy: Why are you pissed?
Ayris: I'm pissed at the park.
Mommy: Why is that?
Ayris: The park was too long.
Mommy: What do you mean the park was too long? Do you even know what pissed off means?
Ayris: I know there are things that piss you off.

That was pretty much the end of the conversation. I explained that yes there were things that pissed me off and exactly what that word meant...basically that it was just things that "upset" you...I figured I wouldn't tell her it was a bad word...I figured I'd just wait and see if she used it again and then go from there.

Wasn't that a long opening for just a little dialogue of Ayris using the word pissed?!?

Speaking of Ayris though...if anyone needs a decorator, just let me know. Ayris' forte is stickers. She leaves them everywhere...the most recent discovery was this:

Did you notice the difference?

Yeah, it's a little giraffe sticker...

Quite the addition to my wall...although I prefer things to be balanced and proportional so I may have to request that she put another sticker on the other side.

My stupid cat is making baby Hefner look good...

So here's my day from about noon up until now:

I'm laying on the couch and keep smelling cat pee. I have two cats...one of them is completely inept (Sophie) and sometimes pees behind one of our couches. I decided to get some potty pads to stick back there because I had run out of towels I was willing to throw away (I wasn't going to wash and keep towels that had been peed on). So I changed the potty pads but decided I'd go ahead and shampoo the carpets and couches anyway because they needed it.

On my way into the kitchen to get the shampooer, I see something brown on the dining room floor. Mind you, I had just vacuumed so I was pretty sure that it hadn't been there before. I was about to pick it up (thinking it was cardboard of some sort--paper towel roll, packaging from my amazon purchases, etc) when I decided to bend down for a closer look. It was cat poop...diarrhea to be exact. Gross. I go to pick it up and it smears into the carpet. Five feet into the kitchen and I know see cat puke on the kitchen rug. I'm getting more irritated by the minute. Why do we even have cats? At this point, I'm pretty convinced all of this has been expelled by Sophie because she's also our little anorexic. So I shake out the rug and bring it upstairs to wash and I get out my stain remover and get the poop mess up as much as I can because I don't want it getting all over my ten scrubbing nodules on the carpet cleaner...I can just envision smearing that crap into the rest of my carpet.

An hour later I'm FINALLY cleaning the couches/carpet. After I get finished doing the living room, I move on to the dining room...at which point, Asher decides to follow me. Out of the corner of my eye, I see his feet come flying up from under him. The shampooer left a streak of wetness on the tile in the entry way when bringing it into the dining room. He's now crying so hard that he stops breathing and goes into pass out mode (he has these from time to time):

http://www.webmd.com/parenting/tc/breath-holding-spells-topic-overview

I finally get him calmed down enough to put him down for his nap. At which point, I go downstairs and decide I'm going to steam the kitchen and entry way floors (I have to do it now or it'll be weeks before my next cleaning streak). AFTER I get the floors clean, I end up dumping a bunch of vinegar water all over the floor...

Whatever! At this point, I'm defeated and head upstairs to watch some t.v. while Asher finishes his nap but once I get to my side of the bed, I see that there is diarrhea ALL OVER MY SHEETS. WTF. I can handle it on the floor...I can't handle it on the bed.

After ripping the sheets off and cleaning the featherbed (and turning it around so the poop stain was on Chris' side), I was on a mission. It was either get rid of the cat or fix the problem. So I decided to smell their butts to find out which one it was.

Sabine was the culprit so I marched her right downstairs and gave her some pepto bismol. I know it's not safe for kids and I would NEVER give it to my children but my kids aren't spraying liquid poop on all my crap either so I decided it wouldn't hurt. I tried giving it to her in a bowl at first...she tried a lick and decided it wasn't for her. So I got a syringe and forced it down her throat...at which point, she regurgitated it a bit and then started foaming at the mouth. I wiped her mouth before she could go turn my carpets pink and went back upstairs.

Needless to say, it's been a gross few hours BUT with the help of Pepto, I'm finally getting my day under control.

Two cute things Ayris has said lately...

We were looking for her easter basket on Sunday morning and one of the clues was about looking in a spot where she would go if she were getting something to eat...so of course, the obvious first choice was the refrigerator...well, it wasn't there...so now she looked confused and I said:

Where else do you go if you want something to eat?

She paused for a minute and then said...

"McDonalds?"

...Yes, Ayris, that's where I hid your easter basket! Seriously though, what did I tell you about McDonalds? This just goes to show that it is somewhat of a staple in our house.

For those of you who were wondering...the answer was: The Pantry. Although it's not often used, it IS stocked with food.

The second thing she said, I just thought was cute because it was so random...like hours after the fact.

Last night Ayris was having a rough night. Everything was bothering her. At one point she started taking it out on Asher so Chris and I told her stop. She was relentless, so she got put in a time out.

Fast forward two hours later. She decides she wants Chris to put her to bed so she comes over to give me a hug and kiss. I tell her I love her so much...at which point she says:

"If you love me sooo much, then you should stop putting me in time outs."

The whole thing was very nonchalant. It just occurred to her that love doesn't = timeouts.

P.S.

I just have to put it out there...I gave Asher lots of attention and love today and for the past few days ever since he decided to completely change his personality...I know my lovable little man will return. I just didn't want you all thinking I run for my camera to snap pictures and take videos anytime he's miserable =) It's a very rare thing that he is, so it needs to be caught on camera when it happens!

My little Hugh Hefner has a bad day...

So I'm pretty sure it's just his two lower incisors coming in but Asher is being a total girl during his monthly these days. I've chronicled below what he's been like...he's okay in this first picture. I personally think he looks a little like what Hugh would have looked like circa 1928...with his little red pajamas adorned with his name and the collar standing up:

It didn't take long though and Asher was having a meltdown because he not only wanted the green sucker I gave him but his sisters yellow sucker as well...

Something would have to be pretty bad for me to feel like this...but for him, not having two suckers at once is the absolute end of the world:

Ayris eventually gave in and gave him her yellow sucker but she decided she needed another one...this was Asher in the kitchen, still undecided as to whether he should calm down...

If you notice in this last picture, he has the yellow AND the red one now...the green one is stuck under his leg. Ayris gave up on having a sucker of her own...I knew Asher would have meltdown after meltdown until he had all 20 suckers so it was best for Ayris to just find something else.

Before Ayris gave into Asher's request for the red sucker though, I caught on tape how crazy miserable he was without it.

If anyone would like this adorable baby Hefner until his teething passes, please let me know.

Easter Pictures

I bought a few things here and there thinking I wouldn't have enough. When I put it all together, it wouldn't fit in the kids baskets alone.

Asher found his basket first:

He found more dinosaurs and starting roaring!

Ayris seemed pretty excited about hers:

And her bunny sucker...Asher wouldn't put the whole thing in his mouth so I only got a picture of her:

The bubble generator was a big hit and spit out tons of bubbles:

We then went to Papa and Grandma BooBoo's house. Ayris was dressed in everything papa and grandma had bought her on Friday...her hat, dress, leggings and shoes!

Asher kissing Gretchen...

Asher hanging out with papa:

This game was keeping the kids entertained forever...

Our second stop was Andrea's parents house...they had an easter egg hunt for the kids too:

RJ and Asher:

Asher kissing ANOTHER cat =)

Ayris finally getting to hold the family dog Rita...Rita wasn't too excited about it at first, but after a while gave in...

Mommy and Asher time + The Worst Haircut EVER

Asher and I decided we'd have a day together since Ayris was going to be at Papa and Grandma's house and Chris was at band practice.

We started our date at mommy's favorite store ever...TARGET. I'm not a fan of shopping but Target is my downfall. Just to give you an idea, when Ayris actually learned that places existed outside of our home, Target and McDonalds were the first she became familiar with. I believe those are still two of her favorites places to date.

Asher has never been quite as social as he was today...He would say "Hi" to everyone we passed. I was surprised at how many people said hello back. It must be that charm of his.

I made my way to the toy aisle and found what I was looking for...the Fun 2 Learn Laughtop (kids laptop that teaches them numbers/alphabet, etc.) I decided I would try to find Asher another dinosaur because he's been obsessed with the one he got at the Toy Factory last weekend. I found a package that had 15 or so dinosaurs in it. Asher of course couldn't wait to get his hands on three to be exact but instead of continuing his hellos' to everyone, he was now sticking his dinosaurs out and "Rooooaaaaarrrriiinnngggg" at everyone. It was really cute and I was proud that he was mine.


The next place we went was Arby's. Can you tell that food excites him? Specifically french fries?

The next place we went was to get his hair cut. It's amazing how ridiculous a kid can look if he gets a crappy stylist...I made sure to take pictures of the amazing work Maggie did before I tried to fix it myself:

Seriously?!?!

I don't know what is worse...a company employing someone who it is clear to me, should not be cutting hair OR the mom who still tipped her $3 for a $7 haircut (regularly $12 but I had a coupon...it's not like I'd take my son to someone who only charges $7 regularly--come on!)...in my defense, I feel guilty if I don't tip people...her situation could be dire...she could have kids to support...actually, come to think of it, she does...she managed to tell me she had a 10 month old son at home...and regardless of her lack of talent in cutting straight lines:

and not even listening to what I wanted in the first place...a faux-hawk...I'm sure she's still a good person who deserved the tip. None the less, I decided I'd try my hand at it as I couldn't let him go another minute looking like he got his hair cut by me in the first place. But first, the kid had to take a nap:

The ONLY time I manage to wash this treasure of a bear is when he's napping and I sneak in to steal it:

His diaper had leaked through all of his clothes a few days ago and I made the mistake of putting the pee soaked bear into the washing machine in front of him...I'm pretty sure that was the end of the world as far as he was concerned. He didn't seem to understand that his bear was being detained for some much needed bath time. But back to the haircut:

It looks like he's getting sick of people messing with his hair at this point.

But it's already looking so much better...

What a difference a mommy on a mission to make her son look presentable makes! So MUCH BETTER!

He's back to being my handsome little man! (Thank goodness as we have two Easter obligations for tomorrow...I don't think I could have taken him out of the house had I not been able to resolve his hair problem).

He would have been wearing this hat for the next few weeks until his hair grew out again =)