Parenting, Baby #4, And Finally A Few Pictures...

One of my friends on facebook had this as her status the other day: "Sometimes I get so caught up in the memories of the impossibly wonderful things that have happened to me that I forget to believe that more can happen. I don't have to hold on so tightly to the past and the identity I was so proud of possessing. There are many more "I never thought" experiences to come if I am optimistic." ~Juliana Hoffman

Juliana's always been impossibly smart. Future forward thinking and literally comes up with ideas that I would have never thought of. When she wrote this though, it resonated with me. Lately I've been thinking that Ayris just might not get a sister afterall. Once I found out this little man was in fact, a boy, I had already made up my mind that we'd try for number 5, four to five years from now. But the more I think about it, the more I think 4 will be enough. Obviously I can't speak for what the next four years hold but I do know that when I recently went to McDonalds to rent from Redbox, I found myself envious of all the teenagers that were there just hanging out. It reminded me of my high school days when there weren't any real plans...you could just hang out all summer and do whatever you wanted (whenever you weren't working that part time job that is)...I was telling Chris when I got home that night that I missed just being able to jump up and go somewhere...wherever, whenever we wanted. I remember when we first started dating, we would go get groceries and then go back to the house...spend an hour cooking and then the rest of the night just hanging out and talking. Gone are the days of having a quiet meal followed by hours of conversation =) And I'm not complaining but I am trying to be realistic about the future...and if I'm having another kid 5 years from now, that prolongs the extra time that we could have reconnecting, when the kids get a little older and are more self sufficient. But, this brings me back to Juliana's quote...it IS easy for me to rely heavily on my memories of the past when I could do as I pleased, but honestly, if given the chance now, I don't think I'd know what to do with myself after a few days. What's that about the grass always being greener??...So I may envy the teenagers who seem to have all the freedoms in the world but what they don't have is the unconditional love and adoration of three, soon to be four, little people at their feet.

As I was rocking Adler tonight, I was thinking about how crazy he drives me on a day to day basis. It irritates me to no end that he cries all day, everyday unless I am giving him 100% of my attention. Neither Ayris nor Ash were ever like that. I just get so frustrated not being able to accomplish anything (like yesterday when I thought for sure I could paint an entire bathroom while he took his afternoon nap...yeah, after about 45 minutes, he woke up and the next two hours were either spent listening to him cry OR trying to paint while I held him on my hip...it was super awesome...and I was super cranky by the end of the day =), but then I remembered something someone said about their very needy baby, "At times it is, yes, frustrating; but still amazing that I have what she needs--that my child's greatest distress is comforted simply by my presence." And tonight as I rocked Adler, I remembered that. Instead of letting my patience be worn to a tattered thread, I should be overjoyed at the fact that he wants and needs me as much as he does...because one day, I won't have that =( Still, at times, it CAN be overwhelming, because quite frankly, he's a completely different child with Chris...and Chris knows it. He's Mr. Independent when Chris is on duty, with hardly a need in sight...but as soon as mama returns, the world is falling apart if he's not literally attached to me.  At this point, I'm torn...part of me feels like I need to give in to his every demand...and hold him close for the next three months...but the other part of me feels like I need to encourage his independence from me, otherwise, the transition in having a new baby might be overly difficult for him??? Yet another dilemma in parenting!

While I'm on the subject of parenting, I got a lot of comments on my last post...reassuring me that yelling is normal with this many kids, or not to be too hard on myself...or questioning why I'm striving for perfection, etc, etc...I realize all of the above...I know I'm not the only mother who loses her patience and for the most part, I think I'm a decent mom, but I do feel like if I don't continually question what I could be doing better as a parent, that I'd just be settling...I don't want to just be an "okay mom"...if I'm going to have 4 children, and stay at home with them, I want to improve upon my downfalls...and look at all of my mistakes as opportunities to learn and do better by them...so that in the future, I can be proud of my accomplishments as their mother...and hopefully will have been a good example for them when it comes time for them to begin their own parenting journey. I digress.

I haven't talked about baby #4 much because honestly, this pregnancy is flying by...with Adler being the handful that he is, I'm not even giving much thought to the whole thing this time around except for when this little man starts moving around or has the hiccups. BUT I did have my glucose test last week and passed it--yea for no gestational diabetes! I'm pretty sure I'd be a miserable pregnant woman if I had to cut out sugar and carbs. Also, I was measuring 21 weeks instead of 24 weeks and I was so excited to hear that because my initial thought was "Well good...maybe this baby will actually be small!"...then I get home and tell Chris about it and he says "Oh, so does that he might be late then? Like your due date is off?"...um say what?!? I'm not carrying this baby any longer than 40 weeks so the dates better not be off! (I know the dates aren't off...the ultrasound actually showed me at a week earlier than when I was due)...still, it's funny how different our thought processes were on the matter =)

Other things to note about this pregnancy...I won't be surprised if this child comes out with a 6 pack of root beer when he's born. I've NEVER had cravings with any pregnancy...and I'm not even sure that I'd call this a craving but I do know I've been drinking a lot of root beer AND I've not even been waiting for a sale...I've been spending like 3 bucks on 6 bottles of root beer...and many of you may recall...I made Chris wait for like a month to get him more diet pepsi max because I knew that the memorial day sale would have the 12 packs priced at 1.50...so that's just how hypocritical I am.

ALSO, for whatever reason, I am obsessed with blue and white stripes lately. I bought two blue and white striped towels at Target for 12 bucks the other day and that subsequently led to a $100 bathroom makeover...paint, rugs, candles, more towels, etc...and I'm not even done yet...pretty sure I'm going to paint the woodwork white now because I don't like the natural wood paneling against the light blue walls. I'm also wanting the entire house painted before the baby comes. I called Chris last week and was like "Yeah, so I want you to do something that you're not going to be too excited about"...his response "What do you want me to paint???" ...he knew exactly where I was going with this. I will paint the whole house myself but I need him to paint the living room...we have like 50 foot ceilings and I wasn't too excited to be up that high when we painted it the first time...there's no way in h*ll I'm getting up on a ladder while I'm pregnant...so that job will have to be passed on to Chris. In my defense, I don't know why he really cares when I want to paint...I never ask for his help...he told me the other day though that our house is getting smaller because of all the paint I've put on the walls...ha ha ha...he's so funny =/  Seriously, guys just don't know what a difference a can of paint can make! And like I told him...he's hardly here...I live in this house 24/7 and need a change of scenary from time to time...luckily, I have a great guy that is willing to support my neurotic tendancies regardless of whether he thinks they are necessary or not =P

Finally, I should probably post some pictures as it's been a while...here are a few from my trip to OK:






And here are a few of Adler rockin' the Huggies jean diaper...






Here's Ayris on her last day of school with the 4 plants we put in pots for her teachers...


And her happy sun...too bad he's hardly here in MN.  She might as well just color snow all over the ground since it's going to be back in a few months.


A handful of the pics I pulled from my phone...


LOVE this picture of Adler.  He could have been the prettiest girl baby ever with those squishy cheeks and long eyelashes (not that girls ever get the long eyelashes like boys!)




One of Ayris' drawings of her and I when we had our most recent mommy/daughter hotel stay...


Adler being all chill in his sleep...


Here are the towels that I was saying caused me to do a total makeover on the bathroom...and guess what people...the 12 bucks I spent on them...yeah, they're now 4 bucks a piece at Target AND there's a dollar off coupon--UGH.  They are coming through looking more black but they're a navy blue...


And here's what I mean about the wood paneling...don't you think this lighter grain wood just ruins the room?  That's why I'm thinking they need to be white....


And I mentioned my blue and white stripe phase right now...pretty sure I'd buy this boat if we had the money and a place to store it SOLELY for the fact that it's blue and white striped.


While Ayris was spending the week with Grandma Callie, I thought I'd take the boys out to get some pictures...yeah, not so much.  If I haven't mentioned it here already, Adler is a little weird when it comes to grass...he flips out when you put him on it.  So he was not happy when I was trying to get these.  The kid also has a recent aversion to water...he hates baths now and will not step foot in the kiddie pool without screaming his head off.






Asher being Asher...


And that's all I have for now =)  Tomorrow I'm going in for an elective ultrasound of baby #4...I'm going to have two ultrasounds done (one now at 25 weeks and one later, probably closer to 35 weeks or so) and then a newborn shoot once he's born...I'll get a bunch of 4D pictures and two 30 minute videos of the little man doing his thing on the inside.  I'll see if I can figure out how to post that later!

A Mommy/Wife/Friend/Overall Person in General Overhaul...

First, I should start off by saying that I just got back from a 6 day vacation to Oklahoma.  Much of the visit was great and exactly what I needed.  I felt a renewed sense of self and as though I was returning armed with more opportunity to be better as a mom...as a person altogether.

Before leaving for Oklahoma, I had been thinking of ways that I could do this...become a better version of myself.  And I thought of doing some kind of mom project...a list of sorts that I could go through, either by checkmarks or by way of repeating certain actions/beliefs each and everyday...and I was going to make regular posts on here to keep myself accountable (that in addition to having documentation for the kids once they're older that I wasn't perfect...because by the time they're old enough to care about this blog, I will have achieved perfection in their eyes right???)

I had scribbled down a few things on the plane and even during my trip as they would come into my mind:

~Pray more.  Lots more.  Depend on Him a little more instead of trying to win every battle myself.
~Learn new things about my kids everyday (which could also be read: spend more time being with them instead of doing everything else around the house...I'm just still trying to figure out how the rest gets done??)
~Get into more of a structured routine...I used to like the idea of not having anything set in motion each day and having everything lax...but I don't necessarily know that it's as beneficial to the kids as I thought it might be.  In addition to this, I'd like to get them back on a sleep schedule instead of allowing them to stay up until 10 or whenever it is that I go to bed...I'm starting to think I can't mentally handle being with the kids from 6:30 in the morning until 10 or so at night without having naps or scheduled bedtimes.  I want them in bed by 8 so I can have two hours for myself, which I won't feel guilty about because of the previously set goal...which was to spend more time with them during the day instead of doing things that I need/want to get done)
~Eat in more, and out less (Basically, quit wasting money on eating out so that when I want to drop $200 at Pottery Barn on blue and white striped cushions, I don't have to feel as guilty as I normally would about it. =)

~Clean something everyday (I feel like I'm cleaning 24/7 but it's always just maintaining the house, I want to do something that makes me feel as though I've accomplished something each day...today I went through all of the mail and packages that were left in the week that I was gone so the table could be completely free of clutter...in addition to my regular schedule of picking up the house...tomorrow I'm cleaning out my closet and I have a feeling I'm going to be donating like crazy...I only wear like 3 different pants and 10 different shirts so why do I have 1200 other things?  Oh yeah, cuz I'm going to lose weight at some point and fit back into them...I'm over that).
~Do something exciting/fun with the kids everyday
~Send more cards...that are actually handwritten, because I think it's just as rewarding, if not more so, to give versus receive...so in doing that, I'll be putting into myself as well.
~See more of the good and less of the bad (I focus a lot of everything that they are doing wrong instead of all the good that they are accomplishing in their young lives...and I might as well extend that to Chris and myself as well...I need to focus on the positives in all of us).
~Find things that I'm thankful for every.single.day. (this one isn't hard but I'd like to start this up with the kids as well)
~Start doing things that I'm either uninterested in but know is good for me (exercise), or that I'm too lazy to do (sewing), or that I don't want to do (eat right)...basically, just start doing things little by little that I'm not too interested in doing and hope that in the end, it will become a positive.
~Have more patience...like ALOT more.
~No more yelling.  Ever.

So that was the beginning of my list.  I wasn't finished but today the main goal was going to be to focus on the kids and not to lose my patience...therefore resulting in yelling.  The day went pretty well.  Ayris and I had a really good talk that was preceded the night before, with this exchange: 

Me:  "Ayris, I want things to change around here for the better. Starting tomorrow I want you and I to work
harder on really listening to one another...so there's less frustration on both of our parts and we can start
having better days"

Ayris:  "Okay mom, but what's in it for me?"
 
Little stinker!
 
So today I was going to run some errands after Adler's nap.  Asher ALWAYS wants candy when we go to any store...I had told both of the kids that they could both pick out one thing as long as they could behave and get along with one another.  Not two minutes pass and I walk out to the garage with Asher screaming at the top of his lungs because Ayris is pinching his cheek.  I ask her why she was doing it and she says she was mad...mad about what, she didn't know.  So I tell her that she will not be getting any candy.  Then I proceed to ask her why she thinks that is...she didn't know...so there begins our long conversation about listening to me and how when she's upset or angry, she needs to find another way to deal with it (aside from her usual tactics of hitting or pinching or screaming at the top of her lungs)...I suggested that when she feels herself getting upset, she let that person know how she's feeling before she goes off and hits them...and that I would try to do the same thing (I don't EVER hit them...but I told her I would take my own advice and before yelling, I would calmly tell them what I was upset about), I told her that people respond to kindness better than anything else so she could more than likely resolve whatever the issue was if she just tried that approach...she then told me that she didn't know how to be any other way but mean.  I pointed out the 3 nice things she had already done today and then suggested that if she still felt like she didn't have a handle on "doing mean things" she could talk to God about it...and she was very interested in that idea so we went through all of the ways that she could do that...and lastly, that she could just take some time for herself in her room to calm down if she felt like she needed the break.  I also told her about how I was in the same spot in the family (first born female) and that I actually thought she had it harder than I did growing up because my sibling didn't come for almost 7 years after I was born...so I brought recognition to the fact that I know it's difficult to be her...so yeah, I left that conversation feeling good about myself because often times, I don't take the time to have these in depth conversations...bad mom, I know...I'm trying to change!  So she's good, I'm good, she's even okay with the idea that she's not getting candy at the store.
 
Fast forward like 3 hours later...Adler is cranky because he has refused to take a second nap...and the kids start nit-picking at each other...I calmly remind them of our previous discussion about treating each other with respect...and that they need to focus on loving each other more instead of constantly fighting about one thing or another.  5 minutes after that little reminder, Asher is flailing his body around on the floor and Ayris is screaming...and finally, I just join in and start yelling.  And welcome home old Michelle...new Michelle lasted for less than 24 hours.  At which point, I grab Adler and head upstairs to start crying...for a good long while...because I've let myself down and I've gone and yelled at the kids...which was the ONE thing I didn't want to do today.  And I cried and I cried and I cried...until I felt stupid enough about it...then I stopped.  I then I cried some more when Chris called and told me I was a good mom...actually a great mom and a good wife...which then made me laugh because I was just "good" at being a wife...which is totally not how he meant it...but it's so true...I focus more of myself on the kids than I ever have on him (except for when it was just he and I)...I just see him as an adult who can fend for himself and who is also WAY BETTER BEHAVED...not to mention, he pretty much listens to everything I say and does everything I want.  Thank GOD for Chris...it's nice to know I have at least one person under my control.  (I kid, I kid =)  But seriously, he's a good boy.
 
So that was my day...I ended it feeling as though I'm either going to be yelling my entire life or crying...I'm not sure which is better...I think the crying part is probably better for the kids...maybe it's better for me too...It's just not a usual emotion for me...perhaps I'll just blame it on the pregnancy.  Ultimately, this wasn't even the worst day I've ever had...not even close...I just think I had this ideal scenario in my head that if I did my part (spent more time focusing on them, didn't yell, had result driven conversations, treated them with respect while loving them in a way that they felt it day in and day out) everything else would just fall into place...I didn't factor in that their behaviors as children were probably going to take more than a day to adjust. 
 
But I think what made the day SO overly emotional for me was that I came back from my trip feeling new, inspired and ready to take on any and all challenges that were thrown my way...even Chris commented about the difference he saw in me...and in less than 24 hours, I felt like I was already back to the person I was trying to leave behind last week.
 
Someone really near and dear recently said: "The soul that seeks perfection in this imperfect world will never be at peace."  And honestly, most days, I don't feel as though I'll ever be at peace...I do seek perfection and I'm pretty sure I came straight out of my mother with high expectations for myself and everyone else in the world already in place...but according to Emerson "The years teach much, which the days never knew" so I will try to keep in mind that I am only 30 (ONLY...that feels forever old), and I still have a lot to learn...I can't expect change in a day...I would like it, but apparently shouldn't expect it...so tomorrow when the sun rises, I shall try again.  And then again, and then again and then again...because knowing my children, it might just take 40 days and 40 nights.  Maybe even longer...but I'll keep trying, because I'm a mom, and we never give up on our children.